


Technological Wizzard

by dumbyx



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Retail, Best Buy, Canon Compliant, Crack Treated Seriously, Customer Service & Tech Support, Domestic, Gen, Humor, M/M, Retail Horror Stories, Twilight Town (Kingdom Hearts), the yelp that never was, twilight town had everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-25 15:43:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20914541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumbyx/pseuds/dumbyx
Summary: Isa gifts Lea a new laptop for his birthday. Lea is unsure of how to deal with electronics and tries taking matters into his own hands. This only makes matters worse.





	Technological Wizzard

He couldn't beleave it.

Lea releaved himself on the laptop. The spicy ginger was dumbfounded at his own stupid action. Why in the world did he ever think such a thing would make the laptop run faster? Well, he didn't. Lea acted before thinking, something he was accustomed to. Sometimes it worked in his favor, but this was absolutely not one of those times.

He had to take it back. He had no other choice! Lea wasn't sure how he would explain the questionable, pungent liquid on the laptop though. What the laptop was drenched in was unquestionably piss. The color and aroma was unmistakable. One would have to be dense to confuse it with something else. After all, Isa, who has a remarkable sense of smell, knew immediately upon entering the room that urine was present. The blue-haired male sighed, asking Lea to explain. When Lea did explain, Isa could only shake his head. He wasn't even mad. In fact, he wasn't surprised. Just disappointed. Peeing on a laptop was undeniablea a Lea thing to do, and that made it just that much more disappointing.

Isa suggested taking it to Best Buy to calmly ask for an exchange. He emphasized the "calmly" part because he knows Lea can absolutely go feral at the drop of a hat, and Isa was in no mood to be embarrassed.

Upon entering, Lea spotted a member of the Geek Squad and grabbed their arm as they walked past, stopping the blonde employee in his tracks.

"Heh, hey man, I have a problem with my device. Would you be able to assist me?"

The man(Vexen) squinted a green eye at him and pursed his lips. He seemed suspicious of Lea, and rightfully so for obvious reasons. The two have a rather…. Rough past.

"Perhaps. But I am on my break right now. If you will please excuse me." Vexen swiped his hand from Lea's grasp and stormed off, mumbling under his stinky breath about his burning, achy joints or something. Lea fell to the ground with an obnoxiouslea loud groan. Isa tapped his lover with his foot, shooting daggers at Lea.

"Get. Up. We. Are. In. Public." Isa scolded through gritted teeth. Lea chuckled.

"Make me." Teased Lea.

Isa's eyes glowed yellow and he knelt down. His voice, though quiet, was intimidating and fierce. "Lea, I swear upon Kingdom Hearts if you don't get your sweet ass up and behave like an adult, I will turn around and leave right now. And I won't memorize how to get home, or memorize our marriage."

Lea gasped and stood up without any further word. Isa's eyes went back to normal. However, the two were a little too late. A manager had spotted their lover's quarrel and seemed confused. Lea gave the manager, Dilan, a smirk and sauntered up to him.

"Hey big shot, I have a return to make… And a complaint about one of your nerd gang or whatever they're called. Shall we take this to the customer service desk?" Lea leaned in closer to the manager with a snarky grin on his face. Manager Dilan rolled his eyes and exhaled sharply.

"Right this way, please." grumbled Dilan, leading the couple to the service desk. Lea slapped the pissy laptop on the counter with a disgusted grimace. Dilan stared down at the wet electronic, wrinkling his nose the moment the pungent aroma tickled his poor, hairy nostrils. He took a moment before looking back up at Lea, who was surprisingly silent. Dilan's violet eyes stared deeply into Lea's piercing green eyes, but Lea didn't budge. With a sigh, Dilan broke the silence. "Mind explaining yourself?"

"Explain myself??" Lea's eyes grew wide and he clutched his chest, as if in shock. "I did nothing! I opened this laptop and there was piss all over it! Are you saying I did this? Because that blonde guy in the dork group seems like the type to be into pissing."

"Leave Vexen out of this, Lea. I am certain he has not done this."

"How do you know?" Lea bellowed, his fists clenched. He growled and began rudely pointing at Dilan. "I'll have you know that I've seen him pee with my own two eyes! You can't tell me he wouldn't piss on modern technology because he doesn't understand it! He may be a scientist, but he doesn't understand electronics! That was Ienzo's job! Speaking of which, why are you even here?! Shouldn't you be guarding the castle?? You loved to kick me and Isa out as kids!"

Isa grabbed Lea's shoulder. "Lea, would you pleas-"

"Hush, I've got this!" Lea brushed Isa's hand away and cleared his throat. "Listen, Dilly, I'm gonna need to exchange this laptop for one that works. And if you say no, then it's no more mister nice guy. Got it memorized?"

Before Lea could continue to berate the manager, a tablet was slammed down on the counter in front of them seemingly from nowhere. All of them looked up and saw an all-too-familiar smirk.

"Hey there, Flamesilocks, ol' buddy ol' pal." Xigbar let out a sarcastic chuckle. "What a coincidence, all of us winding up needing to return faulty products."

Isa sighed as he brought his hands to his face in shame. Just when he thought the situation couldn't be any worse, it did just that. Lea smirked back up at Xigbar, maybe having his former organization associate to back him up, he would get his return finalized.

"Hey, Xigbar. It's been a while. How's it going?" Lea asked gleafully.

"It was going well. Until I opened the packaging to my new gummitablet and it wasn't working. Come to find out, there's pee-pee all over it!" Xigbar's grin quickly faded to a disgusted frown. Lea gasped.

"Two!?" he exclaimed.

"Two?" repeated Xigbar, his golden eye meeting Lea's green eyes.

"Yeah, two. This laptop also had pee on it."

"Oh, so you also pis- I mean- yeah!" Xigbar's sinister smile returned, his eye now on the hairy manager. "There's no way both he and I pee-peed on our devices! That's too much of a coincidence!"

Dilan looked up at Xigbar, then at Lea, then at the mortified Isa, who had taken a few steps back to distance himself from the humileating ordeal. "I'm sorry, sirs, but if these products had fluids on them when we sold them, the boxes would have likely been wet. How is a laptop and a tablet soaked in… fluids, but the boxes are good as new?"

"So now we're liars?!" cried Xigbar. "You think I pee-peed on this tablet?! As if! Don't make me come down there!" With that, Xigbar summoned his arrowguns, shooting a single arrow into the urine-soaked gummitablet. "If I have to come down, then urine for a bad time!"

"I'm gonna have to ask you not to d-"

Xigbar leapt from the ceiling down to the floor, banging his arrowguns on the counter. "Listen, bub. I'm demanding a refund for your faulty products, and so is flamesilocks here. If you don't give us, the customers, our refunds, then he's gonna have to sling his key at some uncool mofos.”

"Mofos?" asked Isa under his breath, pressing his fingers against his temples. "You didn't just say that."

"Oh, but he did." Lea squared his shoulders and puffed out his chest, placing a hand on his hip. "Listen. I have things to do, so I'm gonna make myself clear. If you won't take back the pee, I'm gonna use my key."

"Good one!" Xigbar chortled, giving the lanky redhead a pat on the back.

"Thanks, patchy!" Lea winked at Xigbar.

"I think you mean pissy. Because if Dildo here continues to piss me off, I'll have to piss on him." Xigbar turned to Dilan, his grin friendly yet menacing. He leaned nonchalantly on the counter, looking Dilan in the eye. "Just like old times, pal. You would never braig- excuse me, break my heart, now would you?"

Dilan's face softened significantly and the way he looked at Xigbar was almost wistful. He didn't speak, but his eyes were filled with longing… for Xigbar? Xigbar chuckled and leaped over the counter.

"How about we take this to the ceiling, Dildo?"

"I would rather enjoy that, Xigbae."

Lea and Isa watched as the two slowly ascended to the ceiling while embracing each other, quickly looking away the moment they started kissing. They didn't wish to see that. Lea looked around the store, making sure there were no employees around before taking a new laptop and running out with it.

Because how else would one end this tale? This is a whole ass mess.


End file.
